Invasion of privacy vs. good parenting

This issue is becoming more and more popular and I'm not entirely sure why.  People are arguing that it is an invasion of privacy to read texts on your kids' phones, check out their Facebook/MySpace pages, check out their call logs on the cells.  Since when?!?!  I am their parent; I provide these technological gizmos; and it's my job to help them use them in a somewhat responsible manner.  Now, I'm advocating helicopter parenting here, or sneaking around in secret reading your kids' diary, just common sense and a little parental monitoring to keep our kids safe. 

Here's how things work in my house, perhaps you'll find something that will help you decide how things will work in yours. 

CELL PHONES: I have 4 kids (ages 11-14).  These 4 kids share 2 cell phones.  When I gave them the cell phones they had unlimited texting and very limited minutes for calling.  They knew from the time I gave them the phones that at any minute I might ask to see those phones.  I do this maybe once every couple months... at completely random times.  I will simply say, "Text check time... give me your phone."  They hand over the phone and I read through the texts on there.  What I'm looking for are red flags to dangerous situations or major issues.  I'm not monitoring their language (which is usually worse than a sailor's), or making judgements on the humerous forwards they receive and send, or limiting their ability to be themselves in their texts.  If I see something that concerns me, we'll talk about it... for example, why it might not be a good idea for one of my daughters to send a majorly sexual themed forward to a bunch of boys.  I don't get mad... we just talk.  I also update their contact list for my records.  Yes, I keep a list of all their friends' numbers.  If they are ever missing, I will have a great database to look for them...  I don't use these numbers for any other reason.  My kids don't consider this an invasion of their privacy... it is simple one of the things that they have to do in order to use their phone.  I also require them to charge their phones in my room overnight and they are not allowed to take them to school without special permission.  They complain about it once in a while... "We're the only kids that don't get to have a phone in school!", or "But my friends don't start texting until after midnight!".  I can tell you, when I was in school (before cell phones) I was not allowed to use the phone after curfew or leave class to go make a phone call.  It's common sense.  They don't need 24/7 access to this technological tool.

SOCIAL NETWORKS: Then there's online social networks... Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc.  I have them all myself and don't think there is anything inherently wrong with them.  There are many people (adults and kids alike) who misuse them and put themselves in danger every day.  It's my opinion that kids need to be taught how to properly use this technology for fun without putting themselves at risk before they leave the safety net of living at home.  My kids are allowed a Facebook page age 14 and (if all goes well) a MySpace page at age 16.  The rules are that I must be added as a friend immediately and I must be given the password (they are allowed to change this without telling me when they turn 18).  I check their pages in the same way I check their cell phones.  I do this right in front of them and we discuss anything that might be of concern.  For example, photos of the girls and their friends that are completely innocent (and adorable), might not be appropriate for the internet.  I teach them to view the photos they post online through the eyes of a 40-year-old pedifile.  I don't care how private you set your profile, this is just plain common sense... and yet it's something they can't really be taught anywhere else.  I caught the kids trying to start MySpace pages early and made sure the grounding was enough to deter them from trying it again.  To them, it just isn't worth the risk... especially since they know I'm periodically monitoring these sites.  But I didn't just yell and ground them.  We discussed in detail why they shouldn't be doing this and in the end, they agreed (or al least... they said they did... lol!).

CREATIVE PUNISHMENTS: My favorite "punishment" is for them to prepare for a debate against me on the issue.  In this debate, I take the kid side and they take the parental side.  In effect, they are trying to convince me (and their siblings... our audience) of why the behavior is not appropriate.  They are grounded until they win the debate.  If they do enough research and convince themselves that something is "wrong", they are much more likely not to go sneaking around to do it and they are armed with arguements to defend themselves against peer pressure.  It's a pretty effective method when dealing with difficult issues.  I also give them option to change house rules in this same way.  They let me know ahead of time and we debate the issue.  If they can convince me the rule should be changed, I will consider it. 

My ultimate job as a parent is to prepare them for the world.  How can they function in the world if I control every aspect of their life and don't let them think for themselves?  It's just not possible.  My kids will fail... they will make mistakes (some that they regret more than others)... they will stumble through obstacles they don't fully understand... and all the while, I will support them and provide a life raft for them to hold on to when the water gets a bit too choppy.  In the end, hopefully they will succeed at becoming the best version of their own individuality and live the lives they were meant to live.

The little white truck goes round and round!

Tonight was the District Fine Arts Festival for our school district.  The high school, junior high, and elementary schools' choirs, bands and art departments put on a night of fun for all.  It began with a choral concert... all levels combined... that was beautiful.  Then there was the art exhibit in the commons, accompanied by the music teachers' jazz band... awesome.  Finally there was a band concert that was short, but sweet.  My 8th grade daughter is in choir, so we went to see her perform and see the artwork my other kids had contributed.

After the concert we went to Steak and Shake for dinner... me, the kids, and my oldest daughter's boyfriend (who is in HS choir).  It was a fun night at Steak and Shake.  While I was eating (facing the window) I noticed a white truck go through the drive-thru.  The thing that caught my attention was that I could swear that the driver had just been up near the counter area inside the restaurant.  "Well," I thought, "maybe it's just my imagination."  But it was not my imagination when the little white truck drove around the building and through the drive-thru a second time... then a third... then a fourth... then a fifth... until it had gone through the drive through about 15-20 times!!!!  Then, the driver parked and came in.  Turns out he worked there and was on break and messing with his fellow employees.  We had a brilliant idea though... when we left we would go through the drive through... order a drink... then go around again and ask for another straw... then a napkin... then another dirnk... and so on.  I'm sure you get the idea.  Unfortunately, it's a school night and it was getting late, so we decided to put it off for another night.  I'm beginning to think I might not be the best influence on my kids... lol!!!

Tormenting your kid... entertaining yourself!

I believe that we have to mess with our kids a bit.  I don't mean cruelty; I mean some harmless teasing and taunting.  You see unless they live under a rock for the rest of their lives, they will encounter teasing in the real world and having a child that cries when teased gets him/her a free pass to spend half of high school stuffed in a locker with a wedgie.  If a child develops a somewhat thick skin at home and learns how to accept mild teasing and how to tease back, they are much better prepared to go out and meet other children in this world.

With that said, here's my story of my latest teasing.  It was fun and entertaining for both me and my other kids while it lasted.  Try it at your own house... you just might have some fun!

One day, my 12-year-old son came to me very distressed.  It seemed he couldn't get the song "It's a Sunshine Day" by the Brady Bunch out of his head.  Now, even when the Brady Bunch was popular, this would have been coolness suicide in Jr. High... today it's even worse!  So what does a kind-hearted and concerned parent do?  Why, sneak into his room every night with the iPod and mini speakers and play that very song quietly on a loop next to his ear for a couple hours.  Of course, the torment wouldn't be complete without also telling his siblings about his dilema.  They responded by very kind-heartedly humming the song softly or breaking out singing it when he entered the room and of course by requesting it everytime we got in the car.  By the time a week and a half had passed he truly thought he was going nuts and was going to have this song running through his head forever.  When I noticed it really started to upset him on a deeper level, we all stopped the torment and ended our enjoyment.  But during that time we all enjoyed quite a good laugh.  I believe he is now plotting a terrible revenge on each of us, but it's all in good fun and we will of course then have to find revenge on him for whatever he comes up with.  Download this song for your iPod directly from iTunes to torment your own kids here...  or buy the whole CD for weeks of fun!!!

Who says pranks are just for April Fools Day?  Have fun with your kids and tease them a bit.  They will fit in with society better and one day they just might thank you for it! :)

Monday Movie Night

I have a weekly tradition with my kids called Monday Movie Night.  Every Monday we order pizza, pick out a movie (usually rented from one of the local Redboxes) and just hang out together.  We miss a few during the warmer months when the kids want to be out at the park with their friends soaking up all the daylight fun, but during the winter months Monday Movie Night is a much looked forward to staple.  I've talked to a lot of people with kids and found that most families don't do this kind of thing.  What happened to parents hanging out with their kids?

I can tell you as a mom that you accomplish the most with your kids during these "hang out" times.  If the only interaction you have with your kids is to tell them to do stuff and yell at them, you will find that you have no relationship left with your kids when they get to their teenage years and gain some freedom.  We've also done Thursday Game Night and the kids have recently suggested Tuesday Cleaning Night (you did not misread... my kids actually made that suggestion!).  We also turn on music and dance together while cleaning, cooking, etc.  All of these activities bond us as a family and keep us connected.  There are so many times when kids make you want to pull your hair out... shouldn't you spend as much time enjoying them?  After the house is cleaned, we're hoping to change Tuesday Cleaning Night into Tuesday Craft Night and work on lots of different, fun craft and household projects.  This way I get to teach them how to do things around the house without all the pressure that normally accompanies these lessons.  I also have each of the kids fix dinner for the family at least once a month.  It doesn't matter if they make something as easy as grilled cheese and soup, they learn how to plan a meal and make it and when they get into the real world at least I know they won't starve.  No guarantees that they won't turn in to a giant bowl of Mac 'n cheese though. :)

Our job as parents is to teach our kids how to function in the big, bad world once they leave home... that's it... that's all we have to do... YIKES!  There are many life skills to teach your kids, but one of the most undertaught (in my opinion) is how to kick back, relax, and have a good time. 

So, what was our Monday Movie Night movie last night?  We watched an old favorite... The Master of Disguise.  For my fellow 80's survivors, this movie highlights Dana Carvey doing a lot of his old SNL characters.  It's made for kids around age 10 (plus or minus a few years), but is a cute movie for a family to watch together.  It's rated PG and probably one of the only ways to let your younger kids enjoy Dana

Carvey's work... and then, once the kids are in bed, continue your Dana Carvey marathon with my personal favorite... Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies.  BTW... I am sooo NOT the lemon!!! ;)