Hello World... I'm still here!

It has been one very weird week... one that left me feeling a little... well... invisible!  I have had more miscommunication this week than I can ever remember having in such a short period of time.  Today was the icing on the cake...

I work from home most days.  Which means sometimes I'm so eager to get to work that I forget the little morning routines like starting the coffee, brushing my hair, or getting out of my pajamas.  It's no big deal, no one sees me except the kids and they're just secretly jealous that they don't get to wear pajamas all day.  On these days, I dive headfirst into work and barely ever come up for air.  I get tons accomplished and then around 3pm a little voice speaks to me... it's the voice of one of my kids getting home from school.  Oh no... is it really afternoon already?!?!

At this point my stomach starts to growl and my head starts to hurt and I begin to realize that not only am I deprived of my normal caffeine reserves, but I also haven't bothered to digest even the smallest scrap of food all day.  At this point, I must confess, I become a little crazy.  I need food and I need it now!  Of course, these are also the days when I can't find anything to eat in the house... except maybe the odd can of mystery food that lost it's label sometime back in 2005... but I'm not feeling quite that brave yet and besides... I have a car!!  So, ignoring my unkempt hair and oh-so-out-of-style pajamas (usually yoga pants and a tank top), I throw on a hoodie, flip flops and my largest sunglasses and head out the door... hoping no one sees me as I speed to the nearest drive-thru.

Today was one of those days, and I hit the Popeye's drive through like a madwoman on a mission.  My first horror was that the little drive through display only lists some of their choices in a diabolical scheme to allow more room for ugly photos of various combos of fried poultry.  After a quick scan, I was relieved to find something I wanted to eat on the menu and ordered, "a 3-piece chicken strip box (mild) with honey mustard sauce, a diet coke with no ice and a sweet potato pie". 

You see, I didn't want too much chicken because then I wouldn't want dinner until 2am and that cuts into my sleeping time.... so 3 pieces sounded good.  Unlike some people, I don't always like to test how many hot & spicy foods I can cram into my mouth at once... thus the mild flavor and the honey mustard sauce.  Diet Coke... what can I say... I'm addicted and I need caffeine.  As for the pie... well... I love sweet potato pie and although the fast food version is a pale imitation of a southern classic and I normally hate fast food pies, especially apple... I'm just hungry and it sounds good. 

I got to the window, quickly paid for my food and did the quick scan of the bag before driving off... chicken, check... sauce, check... drink, check... pie, check.  I quickly drive home, ducking my head and hoping to get in the house without my brand new neighbors catching sight of my pajama-clad self.... as I'm beginning to think the hoodie might not cover all the horrors underneath.  I mange this feat with flying colors and get safely back to my room with no one the wiser and begin unpacking the bag.  What I have... is a 5-piece chicken strip meal (spicy & with fries), spicy hot mustard, a regular Coke with ice and... yuck... an apple pie! 

Now fortunately for the Popeye's people... I'm just too damn smart to think I can pull off yet another incognito drive-thru run in the same day, so instead of going back and yelling my head off, I sit and eat parts of my crummy meal and feed the rest to the kids.  Turns out they are even better than dogs for getting rid of foods you don't like or want... and they don't usually slobber when they eat.  But for the rest of the evening it confuses me... why did they bother asking what I wanted if they were just going to give me whatever the hell they felt like putting in the bag?!?!  Did they even hear me order, or am I invisible?!?!

I decided trying to come up with an answer was futile and then decided to focus on updating my social media sites instead.  I popped on the computer and... every single one of my sites forgot me.  Now, I'm used to this happening if I delete my cookies or update something... but I hadn't done any of those things and they all forgot me.  So, I signed on to every one of them... being sure to check the little "Remember me" box... which I am now convinced is only for decoration.  Then I got offline to get some other work done and when I went back online... they all forgot me again!!!  How can I not take this personally?!?!  First Popeye's and now all my social media sites... am I still here... can you all hear me?!?!

So here I sat... poor little me... feeling all invisible and then the most amazing thing happened!  My phone buzzed... someone still knew I existed... although I crossed my fingers hoping to whatever God would listen that it wasn't just a telemarketer!  Turns out it was a text from my boyfriend telling me he loves me and misses me... and just like that, all is right with the world again.  I'm still here!!!! :)

My Car vs the DMV... I think my car is possessed!

 My car has a mind of it's own and apparently it has made up it's mind that it does not want a valid license plate.  It has been battling with the Seretary of State's (SOS) office, License Plate Division, since I bought it almost a year and a half ago and apprently is not ready to give up the fight quite yet. 

In September of 2009, I managed to kill my 11-year old minivan by trying to drive it through a large body of water... I know... not a smart idea.  Later that week, after all attempts to revive the minivan had been unsuccessful, I purchased my seafoam green 5-year old Chevy Trailblazer.  The death of the minivan and subsequent purchase of the Trailblazer occured two states away from home and it was an enlightening experience in many ways.  But that's not what our little story here is about.  This is the story of what my Trailblazer has been up to since that time.

Since I bought the car in another state they told me it could take up to a month to get the title transfered to my state.  They gave me a temporary plate from the dealer that was set to expire one month from the purchase date of the car.  A week later my boyfriend bought a car and got his plates that same day... I was so jealous!  A month came and went and there had apparently been no progress made on the title transfer... it was bogged down in red tape somewhere in one of the state offices.  This didn't bother me much, except that my temporary plate had the expiration date written on it in big giant black marker and I really didn't want to get pulled over.  So, I called the dealer and asked for a new temporary plate.  That is when the fun began.  The dealer said they couldn't give me a new plate because that would be illegal and assured me that they had sent everything to my State office and it should all be resolved shortly.  This didn't sit too well with me, so I went to my local Department of Motor Vehicles (ah, the DMV... always a fun errand) to find out what the State was doing with my title (my first assumption was paper airplanes, but I still can't confirm this).  The DMV told me it could take several months to process everything and that the dealer had to give me a new temporary plate.  The popular rock and hard place saying was now coming to mind.  Fortunately, the people at the DMV were being especially helpful that day and called the dealer for me.  They arranged for me to get a new temporary plate (which I had to drive to the dealer, 2 states away, to get) and said everything would be fine.. until next month. 

This headache went on for over three months before the title was finally transfered and I was able to apply for real license plates.  Everytime I looked at my temporary plates, I got the feeling the car was giggling at me, but that would be crazy on my part, so I ignored it.  I got the license plates, installed them on my car and went on my happy, carefree way.

One week after getting my plates, I went to get in my car after working a full day to find it sitting there without license plates.  They had vanished while I was at work... mounting hardware included.  At this point, I think the car was out and out laughing at me, but I would get this fixed one way or another. 

The next day, I spent my lunch hour at the DMV getting a set of replacement plates with a new number.  These replacement plates have now been on my car for a year... which means they must be renewed.  You can renew license plates at any currency exchange around here, so I went to the closest one last Friday to get my renewal sticker.  Unfortunately, they were unable to find my current plate number in the system.  My old (disappeared) plate number was still in there, but since that wasn't the plate on the car they weren't able to renew anything.  I was going to have to head back to the DMV to get things corrected... yippee!

I drove to the DMV first thing Saturday morning.  You see, I had forgotten to get them renewed in time and my plates were 2 weeks overdue and now that I found out they were invalid, I was a little paranoid driving the car around.  If I got pulled over it would mean a huge headache and probably a court visit.  Upon arrival at the DMV Saturday morning, I discovered that Saturday was Washington's Birthday, which the DMV feels compelled to close for, despite the fact that they had already taken Lincoln's Birthday and President's Day off.  This means an entire weekend of driving around in a car with non-existant, invalid plates... not my idea of fun.

Today, I was finally able to get back to the DMV to get this corrected.  I had been there so much last year that the woman remembered me by name!  She and I had a good laugh about my car not wanting license plates and she said it would be easy to fix and I would be out the door in 5 minutes.  She updated my plate info, handed me a paper to take to the cashier and told me to come back to her after I paid so we could verify that the new plate was in the system.  You may think at this point that the DMV has finally outsmarted my car, but think again.  When I got to the cashier I was told they couldn't process the renewal because my car needed an emissions test!  The cashier said the first person I talked to could probably get me an extension and to go back and ask her.  Well,  to make a long story short (at this point that might not be possible), the computers on one side of the room at the DMV thought my car needed an emissions test, while the computers on the other side of the room disagreed.  I could see my car out the window grinning, thinking it had finally won.  After numerous trips back and forth across the room with various levels of supervisors, they finally called the main office in our state capitol and had to remove me entirely from the system and put me back in.  What should have taken 5 minutes had now taken almost an hour, but the DMV and I had finally beaten my car.  I rushed outside with my victory renewal sticker and placed it on the rear license plate.  I was finally driving a legally licensed car... a filthy legally licensed car.... I really needed to get it washed.

So, after all my turmoil at the DMV, I took my car over to the carwash to get spiffed up.  This particular car wash lets you sit in the driver's seat as your car is pulled through the tunnel and cleaned by various forms of hanging clothes and squirting water.  At the end of the tunnel there is a huge dryer your car passes through before exiting the car wash.  Just as I was getting to the dryer, I watched  from inside the car as my front license plate shot off the front of my car, arching high in the air like a projectile missile, before landing about 20 feet ahead of me.  This was just too much!  The car wash attendant handed me the plate through my window exclaiming, "You car must really not like it's license plates.  I've never seen that happen.  Usually if they fall off they just fall straight down but yours rocketed off the front of your car like it was shot from a cannon!"  I was too busy dissolving into fits of laughter to answer... if he only knew!

Tonight my car sits in the garage.  The front license plate is still inside the car on the passenger seat and I am sure my car is currently plotting the removal of the rear plate as well.  The DMV and I may have had a brief victory today, but my possessed car seems to be winning the war.

The golden hippo on a red velvet pillow can make you happy

Have you ever talked to someone who was so down in the dumps that you just couldn't bring them out of their blue mood?  Next time, try the "Golden hippo on a red velvet pillow" meditation.  I know right now many of you are thinking, "What the ____ (<--fill in the blank)?"  Well, this is just a little meditation technique that I developed that is guaranteed to get anyone out of a bad mood.  It has never failed me yet.  It works like this...

You start by telling your upset friend that you are going to help improve their mood with a little guided meditation.  You must say this in all seriousness and must remain completely serious throughout... no matter how much you might want to laugh.  Of course, using a really dramatic tone can help too.  Tell them to close their eyes and try to picture what you are saying.  Begin with, "I want you to visualize a gigantic golden hippo laying on a teeny weeny red velvet pillow..." 

If they aren't giggling at this point, continue adding as many obscure and strange references as they occur to you.  For example, "... while an angry pink and purple zebra feeds the hippo caramel grapes and a small monkey in a shriner's hat dances on it's head... and then suddenly in come the dancing strawberry bananas wearing whipped cream covered bath poufs as hats... stay with me, keep picturing all of this in your head... you hear a commotion coming from the back of a square circle and look up to see green tofu falling from the ceiling like orange snowflakes...."  You get the idea. 

Make your descriptions as far fetched, strange and unconnected as possible.  Add as many descriptive words as possible to make it easier to visualize, but don't use the usual descriptions... notice in the example above that the zebra isn't black and white, it's pink and purple.  The sheer absurdity of this will at least get someone out of a bad mood, if not have them rolling on the floor laughing.  The next time they're in a bad mood, just mentioning the "Golden hippo on a red velvet pillow" meditation will get them in a better mood.  If it doesn't, start all over again from scratch.  They will already be thinking of all the absurd things you said last time and it will work that much faster.

Give it a try next time a friend is in a bad mood (or try it on yourself to boost your mood) and experience for yourself the true genius of the huge golden hippo laying on a teeny tiny red velvet pillow.

The little white truck goes round and round!

Tonight was the District Fine Arts Festival for our school district.  The high school, junior high, and elementary schools' choirs, bands and art departments put on a night of fun for all.  It began with a choral concert... all levels combined... that was beautiful.  Then there was the art exhibit in the commons, accompanied by the music teachers' jazz band... awesome.  Finally there was a band concert that was short, but sweet.  My 8th grade daughter is in choir, so we went to see her perform and see the artwork my other kids had contributed.

After the concert we went to Steak and Shake for dinner... me, the kids, and my oldest daughter's boyfriend (who is in HS choir).  It was a fun night at Steak and Shake.  While I was eating (facing the window) I noticed a white truck go through the drive-thru.  The thing that caught my attention was that I could swear that the driver had just been up near the counter area inside the restaurant.  "Well," I thought, "maybe it's just my imagination."  But it was not my imagination when the little white truck drove around the building and through the drive-thru a second time... then a third... then a fourth... then a fifth... until it had gone through the drive through about 15-20 times!!!!  Then, the driver parked and came in.  Turns out he worked there and was on break and messing with his fellow employees.  We had a brilliant idea though... when we left we would go through the drive through... order a drink... then go around again and ask for another straw... then a napkin... then another dirnk... and so on.  I'm sure you get the idea.  Unfortunately, it's a school night and it was getting late, so we decided to put it off for another night.  I'm beginning to think I might not be the best influence on my kids... lol!!!

Tormenting your kid... entertaining yourself!

I believe that we have to mess with our kids a bit.  I don't mean cruelty; I mean some harmless teasing and taunting.  You see unless they live under a rock for the rest of their lives, they will encounter teasing in the real world and having a child that cries when teased gets him/her a free pass to spend half of high school stuffed in a locker with a wedgie.  If a child develops a somewhat thick skin at home and learns how to accept mild teasing and how to tease back, they are much better prepared to go out and meet other children in this world.

With that said, here's my story of my latest teasing.  It was fun and entertaining for both me and my other kids while it lasted.  Try it at your own house... you just might have some fun!

One day, my 12-year-old son came to me very distressed.  It seemed he couldn't get the song "It's a Sunshine Day" by the Brady Bunch out of his head.  Now, even when the Brady Bunch was popular, this would have been coolness suicide in Jr. High... today it's even worse!  So what does a kind-hearted and concerned parent do?  Why, sneak into his room every night with the iPod and mini speakers and play that very song quietly on a loop next to his ear for a couple hours.  Of course, the torment wouldn't be complete without also telling his siblings about his dilema.  They responded by very kind-heartedly humming the song softly or breaking out singing it when he entered the room and of course by requesting it everytime we got in the car.  By the time a week and a half had passed he truly thought he was going nuts and was going to have this song running through his head forever.  When I noticed it really started to upset him on a deeper level, we all stopped the torment and ended our enjoyment.  But during that time we all enjoyed quite a good laugh.  I believe he is now plotting a terrible revenge on each of us, but it's all in good fun and we will of course then have to find revenge on him for whatever he comes up with.  Download this song for your iPod directly from iTunes to torment your own kids here...  or buy the whole CD for weeks of fun!!!

Who says pranks are just for April Fools Day?  Have fun with your kids and tease them a bit.  They will fit in with society better and one day they just might thank you for it! :)

Funny Christmas Story

This story actually happened to friends of my folks and when I heard it I just  knew I had to share.... hope you all enjoy as much as I did.

This story is about friends of my parents, a very cute couple in their mid-to-late 70's.  They have 5 kids and more than 10 beautiful grandchildren (most of them high school age).  They are a wonderful couple and still very much in love.  Every year for Christmas, the husband buys his wife a beautiful piece of jewelry.  Well, this year, he decided to do something a little different.  He thought it would be nice to go buy her a couple nice outfits.  I'm guessing that he had never really shopped for women's clothing before, but I could be wrong. 

So, Christmas morning arrives.  Everyone is at the house... the kids, their spouses, the grandkids, and of course our adorable couple.  It's time to open presents.  The wife opens the clothing presents from her husband and... at age 75+... finds herself looking at 5 very beautiful maternity dresses from the store Pea in the Pod!!!  I can't imagine the husband will hear the end of that one for a very long time!!!  :):):)