On Realtionships...

I was at the book store the other day and found myself walking through an aisle of relationship books.  I was amazed at how many of them there were!  Are relationships really that hard for people?!?!  I tend to think people overcomplicate the issue so much that even the most basic relationship becomes impossible.  How are you supposed to connect to another person while trying to remember all the expert "rules"?  It's exhausting to think about, much less implement!!!

So here's my advice... forget all of it!!!  That's right, foget every little piece of advice you've read before.  It turns out relationships are simple!  People gravitate towards people that make them feel good... those that make them happy.  They tend to avoid those who make them feel bad or unhappy.  That's it... relationships in a nutshell.

Here's an example...  Your husband goes for a night out with the guys.  They laugh, drink beer, belch and scratch themselves a lot... male bliss.  He comes home eager to tell you about his wonderful time and you start nagging.  He's 30 minutes late, he forgot to take out the trash before he left, the kids gave you a hard time and he wasn't there to back you up, he spent to much, he smells like beer, etc.  You slink off silently to your respective sides of the bed and go to sleep, both in a bad mood.  The next time he goes out with the guys, he will probably be an hour late and already in a bad moos before he returns home... and thus begins a vicious cycle.

Now envision this... Your husband goes for a night out with the guys. They laugh, drink beer, belch and scratch themselves a lot... male bliss.  You notice he's running late, so you decide to use the time to throw on a fabulous lacy nightgown, light a few candles, listen to some great mood music and read a book while you wait.  He arrives home eager to tell you about his wonderful time and immediately forgets what he wanted to say upon seeing you in all your fabulous laciness.  You have wonderful sex, followed by patiently listening to his stories of the farting contests from earlier that night.  Kiss goodnight and fall asleep in eachother's arms.  The next time he goes out with the guys, he's likely to show up a half hour early... perhaps with flowers for you.

In short, if you are in a relationship that's struggling, don't head to the book store to spend hours reading to figure out why (you can always do that later if you're curious).  Instead, spend a few minutes figureing out a way to make that person happy... then do it again, and again, and again, and... well, you get the idea.  You will find your relationship improve immensely and then you will have all the time in the world to figure out what went wrong to begin with.  Chances are at the end of all your research you will likely discover it was just that you forgot to make each other happy.

See how simple it is!  If you want someone to make you happy and be more attentive, all you have to do is be one of the people that makes them happy.  They will naturally gravitate towards you, try to make you happy and pay more attention to you because deep down that's what we all want... to be happy! 

I take offense to the fact that you're offended

Why do we do it?  Why do we personalize every little thing others say and find ways to take offense in each little word they utter?  Are we that bored in our lives that we have nothing better to do than pick apart the comments of others?  Perhaps it's unavoidable... perhaps we have to be offended all the time, about everything... but perhaps we don't?  I'm back on my soapbox today and now, I'm offended.  I'm offended that everyone else is offended.

Our current society celebrates the offensive.  Look at TV ratings and movie ticket sales... Americans (I'm from America, so I'm sticking to what I know) are obsessed with the offensive.  We celebrate the Simpsons, Family Guy, Jerry Springer, etc.  The more offensive they get, the more of us watch.   We create falsely dramatic reality tv shows that cause us to ignore our own reality to run home and watch to see what the most obnoxios individuals will do this week.  We celebrate movies as hilarious that can't offer any form of intelligence, only explicit language and body, sex and fart humor.  I hear a lot of people say show like the Simpsons are extremely brilliant... bullshit... it's writers simply have to look at what will offend the most people on any given day to get them the good ratings.

I think I should clarify here that I am not including myself in this "us/we"... I actually choose NOT to watch these types of shows.  It's not that I find them shocking or horrifying, it's that I simply don't find them funny or entertaining at all.  I also see these types of shows as being a huge problem for our society in general.

Despite the fact, that we should be completely desensitized to this offensiveness with it being thrust in our face at every turn, we seem to be becoming more sensitive to it instead.  It's no wonder the world is in constant turmoil and we are currently going through a global crisis.  Religious groups find reasons to be offended by eachother... usually focusing on a moment in history so long ago that we can't even name a single one of our ancestors that was involved.  Races find reasons to offend eachother... again based on history, although sometimes more recent, and acts that the person you're talking to likely had nothing to do with.  Countries find eachother intollerable and offensive.... it is no longer ok for a country we can't stand to exist in their own space... with the globe being so accessible, we can now offend eachother from halfway around the world in an instant.  Political groups no longer simply disagree, they offend.  Men offend women and vice versa.  Companies whose practices and policies we don't agree with are now offensive to us on an individual level. 

Herein lies the problem. It's not usually personal, and yet people have become so quick to internalize these things and take on a personal crusade to abolish that which they now find offensive.  In a world with so much trouble, do we really need to use every potential catalyst to stir up more?  I prefer not to.  It's actually pretty difficult to offend me.  I try to avoid interjecting things in my life that will cause to me to be offended.  I also try not to personalize things unless they are meant to be personal.  If someone says something offensive to me, I will call them on it.  If they make a comment I don't agree with, I may debate it (sometimes at length), but I will not be offended unless the debate turns personal.  Some things just aren't meant to be personal.  In this time of global interconnectedness, it's usally easy to use cyclical thinking to say that something is personal that really isn't. 

I'm going to give a recent example that many people will probably try to argue with me about.... AIG and their corporate salaries and bonuses.  Many people would say that AIG giving out huge corporate salaries while accepting federal aid is offensive.  They would argue that it is their tax dollars and is therefore personal to them.  They will read into this occurance until they find a reason to be offended.  And why shouldn't they?  The news media told us repeatedly that we should be offended.  Politicians who were against the bail out remind us constantly how offensive these salaries and bonuses are to each of us.  So how can I use this as an example and say I don't find it offensive... easy... I'm not offended.  Yes, I pay those same taxes, but the amount of my tax dollars that went to AIG would probably not amount to 1 dinner for my family.  Plus, AIG is a corporation... one I wouldn't mind working for if they're paying so well.  As for the government officials who made the choice... I'm a registered voter and US citizen and I have the power to vote them out of office, run for office myself, and even to campaign to get someone I believe in elected.  The AIG mess is a definate point of debate.  In my opinion it was not a wise move to loan them money without more restrictions.  It's just not offensive.

If we want this world to be a better place, we need to stop focusing so much on the offensive and focus on not offending.  Let's move towards being part of the solution instead of adding more ammunition to the problem.  Next time something offends you, think about how it personally effects you and if it doesn't, find a way to turn that false feeling of offense into positive action.  Instead of being the one bitching about the problem, be one of the few working to come up with a solution.  Listen to other points of view, debate the issue, and discuss the merits of your agruements.  We have far more potential if we work to understand others instead of rushing to be offended by them.

As I close out this little moment of venting on my soapbox, I would like to say that the title and beginning of this blog are wrong.  I am not actually offended by people who are offended.  It just occured to me that people who are always offended would look for more reasons to be offended and be more likely to read my point of view on the matter.  You control how you respond to any given situation ofr stimulous.  Do you really want to pend your entire life feeling offended by people, places and things?  You get back the type of energy you put into the world... make it happy and positive if you want a happy and positive life.

The golden hippo on a red velvet pillow can make you happy

Have you ever talked to someone who was so down in the dumps that you just couldn't bring them out of their blue mood?  Next time, try the "Golden hippo on a red velvet pillow" meditation.  I know right now many of you are thinking, "What the ____ (<--fill in the blank)?"  Well, this is just a little meditation technique that I developed that is guaranteed to get anyone out of a bad mood.  It has never failed me yet.  It works like this...

You start by telling your upset friend that you are going to help improve their mood with a little guided meditation.  You must say this in all seriousness and must remain completely serious throughout... no matter how much you might want to laugh.  Of course, using a really dramatic tone can help too.  Tell them to close their eyes and try to picture what you are saying.  Begin with, "I want you to visualize a gigantic golden hippo laying on a teeny weeny red velvet pillow..." 

If they aren't giggling at this point, continue adding as many obscure and strange references as they occur to you.  For example, "... while an angry pink and purple zebra feeds the hippo caramel grapes and a small monkey in a shriner's hat dances on it's head... and then suddenly in come the dancing strawberry bananas wearing whipped cream covered bath poufs as hats... stay with me, keep picturing all of this in your head... you hear a commotion coming from the back of a square circle and look up to see green tofu falling from the ceiling like orange snowflakes...."  You get the idea. 

Make your descriptions as far fetched, strange and unconnected as possible.  Add as many descriptive words as possible to make it easier to visualize, but don't use the usual descriptions... notice in the example above that the zebra isn't black and white, it's pink and purple.  The sheer absurdity of this will at least get someone out of a bad mood, if not have them rolling on the floor laughing.  The next time they're in a bad mood, just mentioning the "Golden hippo on a red velvet pillow" meditation will get them in a better mood.  If it doesn't, start all over again from scratch.  They will already be thinking of all the absurd things you said last time and it will work that much faster.

Give it a try next time a friend is in a bad mood (or try it on yourself to boost your mood) and experience for yourself the true genius of the huge golden hippo laying on a teeny tiny red velvet pillow.

Valentine's Day

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only female on the planet in a relationship who doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day.  I've never been a big fan.  Previously this has been a problem when I'm involved with someone, but I've finally found someone who also doesn't celebrate... although for much different reasons.  I watch my female friends  spend this time of the dropping hints everywhere their significant other might look about what gift would suitably express love... usually over-priced item that they will forget about before the beginning of March.  I also watch in silent amusement as many couples plan weekend retreats to romantic destinations... and get upset if everything doesn't turn out perfect.  I walk through seas of pink and red stuffed animals and chocolate boxes in every store I go to.  This year I can add that I am bombarded by Valentine's themed stuff online, especially on Facebook.  Am I complaining?  No.  I'm actually happy at this time of year for my friends who celebrate this holiday by cramming a years worth of romance into a 24-hour period.  I feel sympathy for the friends who aren't with someone and feel pressured at this time of year too.  I just choose not to take part in the hoopla.

If you've read this far you're probably wondering why I don't celebrate this mass hysteria day of red hearts, roses and chocolate.  I'm guessing you've come to the conclusion that I'm bitter, alone, have been hurt deeply or don't have a romantic bone in my body.  I assure you, none of these assumptions are correct.  I enjoy romance every bit as much as anyone else.  I relish the thought of romantic getaways with the man I love, scented rose petals, candles, frilly red lingerie, love themed cards and all the rest of it.  I'm not bitter about love and I'm with someone I love with all my heart.  I just believe that if you love someone, your expressions of that love should happen all the time, throughout the entire year, when the thought comes to you. 

In the past I've had a lot of guys say I would make the perfect girlfriend since they wouldn't have to celebrate Valentine's Day, but actually my way is harder.  In my world, every day is Valentine's Day.  Every day bring opportunities to express your love for the human being you've choosen to spend your life with.  If the idea occurs to you one day to bring that someone flowers, you should not have to wait for a Hallmark holiday to do it.  I expect little gestures of thoughtfulness and romance all the time.  It's easy to let someone off the hook for Valentine's Day when they express their love throughout the year.  There's no pressure that way to be romantic on a specific calendar day.  What if you're having a bad day, not in the mood, tired or cranky?  I prefer romantic gestures to come from the heart, and they don't have to be anything big.  It could be as simple as getting up to start the coffee maker because I'm not fully awake yet, or lighting me a cigarette when he lights one for himself, or turning off the tv and lighting a couple candles, or surprising me by hiding a card in my car where he knows I'll find it.  These are the things that make a love last through the years.  The big "love" holidays are nothing more than something to gossip about with your friends when you're comparing who's man is better than the rest.  By the way... I always win that arguement.  It seems that most of my friends who have big celebrations of love on anniversaries and romantic holidays don't get the daily expressions of love.  They get a day of forced romance that is then used to get out of any sort of romantic gesture for the remainder of the year.

So I will smile and bite my tongue and let my friends enjoy their special day... and who knows, we may do something romantic that day also if we're in the mood to, but I won't force or schedule it.  Hallmark doesn't run my life... I do!

For those of you who do celebrate, here are a few gift ideas to help you out. For those of you like me, feel free to use these ideas throughout the year!

For Flowers: Send Valentine's Day flowers & gifts from 1-800-FLOWERS.COM, order early & save!

For Jewelry: Fine Jewelry

If you can't cook and need food delivered: Just point, click and eat!

For romantic bath products and towels: Bath and Body Products at Apothica! and Great Gift Idea-Monogram Towels from TurkishTowels.com

And of course let's not forget chocolate: Find the Perfect Valentine's Day Gift at Chocolate.com

And for those who don't have a date yet, there's always Match.com: 5 Days Free with Match.com or Put Personalized Matching to Work for You

A feeling of interconnectedness... aka the universe tapping your shoulder and saying, "Yeah... that's the way to go!"

The feeling that I'm on the right path is getting stronger every day this week and now it seems the universe wants to let me know I'm on the right track... to where... I still have no idea!  This week has been amazing, but to fully understand it, I've got to go back to the beginning... when I was maybe 5 or 6.  Don't worry, I won't take all day... there are a few bruised knees I won't bother mentioning.  You don't necessarily have to follow along, but I need to really see the progression for myself... so come with me if you'd like.

When I was very young, I had a really good friend.  She had this older brother who was kind of a pain in the butt and not the nicest brother I've ever met.  He became obsessed with music very early on and finally stopped throwing pebbles at us and I (for reasons I couldn't fathom at the time) missed the attention.  Of course I still thought boys had cooties, but if they ever found a cure... he was the one I wanted to hang out with. :)  It was one of my first memorable crushes.  It was also one I never mentioned.... not ever... to anyone!  I was sure the little men in white coats would come take me away if anyone ever knew I had a crush... on a boy!!! 

Flash forward to college.  Music has been a steady part of my life and is now one of my minors.  I am immersed in the world of arts in a way I never have been before and loving it.  My taste in boys has changed drastically and although I appreciate musical talent, I don't want to date musicians... they're strange after all!  The boy from my childhood has vanished completely from memory and... good news... there are male business majors as far as the eye can see.  I get involved with the college radio station (and a few of those business majors in my spare time) and discover genres of music I didn't even know existed.  I am comletely in my element... except I hate school.  I had wanted to go to an arts school and ended up at a 4-year university instead.  My parents had told me this was a compromise, but I saw right through that!

Flash forward again to last year... see... I told you it would be quick.  I now have 4 kids, a man I love, a "career" as an administrative assistant that is going well but leaving me completely unfulfilled and a Facebook page. I got the Facebook page to reconnect with some high school friends... our 20th reunion is coming up.  I reconnect with my childhood friend (who is just as beautiful inside and out) and her brother (who has gone on to have an amazingly successful career on the business side of the music industry) on Facebook.  Don't worry... this isn't going to become some horrid Maury first-love reunion... the crush is gone and I have no designs on the brother whatsoever!  All I can say is that he has turned out to be a nice guy and we've had a few quick and extremely plutonic correspondences in the last year.

Then the unthinkable happens and I get laid off.  I say  unthinkable because I'd never been laid off before and never considered that to be a possibility.  But, I tend to look at these kind of things as the universe kicking my butt into gear and saying "it's time for you to get moving in another direction"... so I'm not too upset.  I do however wish the universe would be kind enough to provide a map when it does this, as I'm not accusomed to wandering blindly in the dark.  But with no map, no compass, no direction... I head out into the unknown.  And here is where I've been for the last 8 months.

These past couple weeks, the universe has taken pity on me and decided to at least provide a few signs that I am on the correct path.  I now believe the universe sent me that first crush so I would take notice all those years ago and remember this other human being (my friend's brother), because he is pivotal in all that has happened recently.  It is through him that I learned about the webinar series I'm attending.  Through the webinar, I have met some amazing individuals that actually think like me (sorry to you all... there is no known cure and I'm pretty sure it's worse than cooties).  Then tonight the real coincidences hit... cue the Twilight Zone music!!!  I met an individual through a post by the webinar hosts... who knows a friend of mine (who has nothing to do with the webinar series) that I know through my boyfriend... and who also somehow knows my friend's brother... and who also writes poetry (like I do) and plays music... and finally, who I am strangly feeling I was somehow meant to meet.  Again, there is no romance here... he is married and I am with the man of my dreams... but somehow all these unrelated pieces of my life are fitting together in a way they never have before and that is making me sit up and take some notice.

I don't understand how any of this relates to my path and I have no idea if any of the people mentioned here will continue to accompany my journey, but somehow this amazing interconnectedness has given me hope that the destination of my journey will be made clear to me sooner rather than later.  I now have the universal awareness that things are coming together... the path is right... and for the first time in a long time I am no longer afraid of what is ahead.  Bring it on!!!

Impossible vs. Inconvenient and the element of Personal Choice

As you have read previously, I am attending a webinar this week entitled The Millionaire Affair (http://themillionaireaffair.com/).  Each day we are treated to an interactive presentation from a successful entrepreneur.  I will be writing a summary of yesterday's wonderful speaker, Wendy Moore, in my next post... but first there is something I just have to get out of my head. 

The first day of the series, everything went wrong and yet the experience was wonderful... so wonderful that I wrote a blog post about the unexpected lesson in failure ( http://abysstales.blogspot.com/2010/01/unexpected-lesson-in-failure.html ).  Later that night, I was talking to a friend about my wonderful, positive experience and something happened.  She got very negative and defensive.  Now, I'm not writing about this to bash her in any way... I understand completely where she was coming from (many people fall into the same pattern)... but it's been on my mind ever since and I wanted to get those thoughts out of my skull and into the world where they might be more useful.

What she said (not an exact quote, just the general idea) was, "I saw that webinar event on your Facebook page and wanted to go too, but they scheduled it at such an inconvient time that it's impossible for me to do it because I have to work.  You should tell them that next time they should schedule it at a more convenient time so more people can go."

Impossible... inconvient... and apparently not fair to everyone!   But what I said that night and will expand upon here, is that it was possible for her (and anyone else in the world) to attend and she had choosen not to.  You see, this webinar is an opportunity.  It could have been held on a weekend in a convention hall in Vegas at $1000+ per attendee based on the presenters and the worth of the information they are providing.  Instead, it is being broadcast to a global audience for FREE... online... one hour a day... for 2 weeks.  That's actually a lot more convenient for most people.  It is definately possible to make adjustments in a schedule to accomodate at least one or two of these presentations, even if you can't attend them all.  It is maybe even possible to convince your boss that it would be valuable to them as your employer to alter your schedule a little to let you gain the knowledge these individuals have to share... thus making you a more educated and valuable employee.  It is a personal choice not to even try.

Opportunities come into our lives every day, yet they are usually inconvenient or seem impossible to take advantage of, so we grumble and groan about the opportunity passing us by and how the good life is out of reach for us.  That does not have to be the case.  We each make the personal choice whether or not to make that opportunity a priority.  If it becomes a priority, then we will go to great lengths to rearrange our life to make it a possibility.  Once in opportunity becomes a possibility, we can turn it into the potential for growth and perhaps it will be what you look back on as the opportunity of your lifetime.  One of the biggest differences between those who are living their lives on their own terms and the people that grumble about how unfair things in life are, is the ability to prioritze and choose things based on those priorities.

You make thousands of choices every day on how to spend your time, money, thoughts, etc.  You make these choices based on what is important for you in your life.  Accepting that you have the control over these choices is the first step on the road to making your life what you want it to be.  When an opportunity comes along you need to put it to the test.  Will it benefit you?  Is it aligned with your long term goals?  Is it more important than another obligation you have at that same time?  If it is of equal importance, can you rearrange things to take advantage of both?  Is it perhaps a better opportunity for someone you know (if so... pass it along!!)?  There are many things to consider when an opportunity presents itself but is inconvenient, but the first thing to recognize is it would never come across your path if it was impossible... no matter how inconvenient it may be.  Sometimes you just need to get creative in order to get to the door to open it when opportunity knocks. 

If you didn't take advantage of an opportunity, maybe it just wasn't important enough to your life for you to make it a priority... not every opportunity is right for everyone.  Keep on the lookout for the next one.  In the mean time, get to know yourself and your goals well enough to be able to prioritize the things that are most important in your own life... then you won't be so quick to want to follow someone else's life choices and feel bad when you don't.  We all have to walk our own path in life, and though we may walk together at times, none of us are on the same path.  Find your path and make sure to take advantage of the opportunities that will help you along your way.. no matter how inconvenient or impossible they may seem.

If you found this discussion interesting, you will enjoy a blog post by Derek Sivers.  He will be our presenter on Thursday and posted a blog today about how there are always more than two options.  It follows along the lines of what I have been thinking for the past 2 days...  http://sivers.org/options

Driving through snow...

Just about every weekend I drive 2 states away to spend the weekend with the love of my life.  It's always worth the trip, but the approx. 2 1/2 hour drive can sometimes be frustrating and downright scary.  Today eproves to be no exception.  There is a band of lake effect snow falling between me and my honey that has not stopped for over 10 days now.  I hate driving in snow and ice most of all.  I'm a safe driver, but there are some real idiots out there and the SUV surprisingly doesn't handle very well in this weather.  But if don't brave the snow, I don't get the prize at the end... a couple days with my honey. 

I've been in a long distance relationship for 4 1/2 years now and it's never easy.  When I'm here, I want to be there and when I'm there I usually feel guilty for not being here.  See, the kids don't always come with me and there are household chores that just aren't getting done because I am on the run constantly.  I finally get the suitcase unpacked and the laundry done from one weekend, when it's time to pack up and head out again.  It's exhausting and I'm always missing someone.  Most people who have tried the long-distance relationship thing will tell you it can't last longer than perhaps a year, maybe two.  So how have we made it so long without moving... I really have no idea.  For my part, I try to make our relationship a priority.  It is important to me and so I treat it that way.  I won't accept invitations to anything that might take away time from my relationship.  I've cancelled my extras here at home to make sure I'm spending lots of quality time with my kids during the week.  I sometimes wonder though if this seemingly endless holding pattern is leading anywhere... how do you plan for the unknown... how do you keep your mood positive when you feel so torn apart... how do you accomplish anything when you are stretched so thin that you barely have the energy to function on a normal daily basis?  I'm not 20 years old anymore and my energy reserves have been stretched to the ultimate limits for quite a while now.  I don't know how much longer I can keep at this pace.  I'm exhausted all the time, waking up with nightmares of car accidents almost every night, and crying a lot (which is very unlike me) for no apparent reason.  How do I fix me without giving up on one of the most important things in my life (something I just can't do)?!?!  Not really looking for an answer... just needed to vent a bit and relieve some stress.  I guess I'll just have make it work somehow.  I always have before.