Tuesday, February 2, 2010

And now things start to come together

I can feel things coming together, but I can't yet put my finger on how.  My focus is shifting in a direction I am completely unfamiliar with, but excited and intrigued by.  That tells me that this must be a direction I am supposed to head... so I'm on the right track... but to where?  I have been searching for something meaningful to do with my life.  I've been presenting this question to the universe (and the online commmunity through my blog) and opportunities have come into my path that I had not expected but took the initiative to follow.

I am spending two weeks (last week and this week) immersing myself in an amazing well of inspiration.  As a result, I have engaged others more, offered to help in ways I might not have before, written more (a passion I had as a child and abandon long ago) and gotten into discussions I would normally avoid.  The experience has been liberating in many ways and I know I must follow this path to find what I am meant to be doing with my life in the near future.

I'm not a very spontaneous person, although some would argue otherwise.  For example, when I killed my car by trying to drive through a flooded area last year (I know... not smart Becky!!!), I went and bought a new (used, but new to me) car the next day.  Many people would call this spontaneous.  What they wouldn't know is that my old car was 13 years old with over 100,000 miles on it.  I had been thinking about a new car for several years... analyzing precisely what I wanted and didn't want.  When I went car shopping that day I had a very specific list and ended up with exactly what I wanted.  The same was true of buying a new phone.  I knew ahead of time what I wanted and didn't want and when my phone died, I bought a new one the very same day that was exactly what I wanted (ok... almost... I do still want an iPhone someday).  My point being, that although I seem impulsive and spontaneous, most of what I do in life is very deliberate, planned and well thought out.

So I guess this is my period of analyzing.  I am filling my head with knowledge, ideas, inspirations that will enevitably lead me to make a very deliberate descision... although it may seem rash to those of you following along.  I assure you it will not be.  The thing about being such a definative person though is that it's really scary for me to be in this period of uncertainty.  I don't like not knowing what's coming down the line.  I knew I would soon need a new car and a new phone... this is different.  This is like walking through a dark tunnel hoping to find a way out at the end... and I'm frightened, but at the same time excited.  It's so hard to explain the multitude of feelings running around inside me right now.

I am not looking for answers yet.... it's too soon.  But I thought this might help some of you who are lost on your journey through life understand that you are not alone.  At times we all feel the uncertainty, confusion, anticipation and expectation of what is ahead for us.  Hang in there though... the end of the tunnel is fast approaching and we need to be ready to walk out into the glorious sunlight!

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